[[.The Spirit of Christmas.]]

Ah, tis the season...

I have spent an unreasonable amount of time NOT Christmas shopping in the last month, which almost certainly guarantees that the following will happen:

1. I will HAVE to be finished by this Wednesday.
2. I will begin hating every Christmas gift purchased sometime around Christmas morning.
3. I will panic.
4. I will RESUME shopping, and buy NEW gifts for the same people for whom I have already purchased gifts.
5. I will then live in glowing holiday peace for about twenty minutes, until:
6. I decide I hate the new gifts even more than the first gifts.
7. I will panic.
8. I will throw myself desperately into debt, purchasing THIRD gifts for the same people for which I have already purchased TWO gifts.
9. I will panic.
10. I will have to sell my soul on eBay.
This seems to happen every year. Every year, I start Christmas shopping late, and every year, what seemed like a brilliant idea on December 1st seems awful and cliche and TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE by December 10th. But I never actually purchase any of these awful and inappropriate gifts. Oh, no. I assume every great idea or gift I saw from then will be there until now. I also have no concept of time.
And then my poor family members end up with a selection of presents ranging from awful to desperate, with no discernable purpose or theme, grouped together only by the guiding principle of "All Smooshed Into The Same Bag" because I don't know how to wrap presents.

Also guaranteed to happen, which has..

11. I will purchase a load of Christmas cards.
I will send exactly zero Christmas cards.

This also happens a lot. The package sits unopened on my desk. Leering at me. Because it knows, it KNOWS, that I have never in my life sent a Christmas card. I went to all this trouble of getting everyone's address and now they are going to be checking their mailboxes daily asking themselves "why?"..well, maybe not. But at the same time, it's not like any of my friends asked for my address that day and I sure haven't received anything in my mailbox.
Nope, I'll just receive maybe two, at the most of these lame, generic myspace comments wishing me "Merry Christmas!". So thoughtful and heartfelt.
So today I'll be shopping and praying that I am able to get everyone the gifts I'd hoped for.

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[[.Mickey Moose.]]

After working literally day and night on this, it's done. I hope you all cry, because I sure did, and then I would know it was worth it.
We all love and miss you very much Mickey.


Mickey Reese

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[.What are We Thankful For?.]

Despite the number of emails I have received asking whether I do, in fact, need some bail money, the answer is no, thank you. I am not in jail. I am not in jail, or kidnapped, or shipwrecked, or anything else remotely interesting.
"Hey, what does a psychotic break feel like?"

Kidding.

I had a rough weekend. But hey, it's getting better.
I have spent most of this week recovering, and not moving around very much. I am slug-like in my recovery. We have been watching a lot of television, and it is KILLING ME that nobody I know is watching Two & 1/2 Men, because really...well, I don't know. I just love John Cryor.
Anyway it's the day before Thanksgiving and tomorrow I'll be at my Mom's house. Where the primary cooks usually start out to be to be my Mom, Emily and myself, but which naturally turns into my Mom pretty much doing everything, while giving us "important," non-cooky jobs like, "wash the potatoes" and "turn on the oven and stand over there." The meal is always excellent, though, and the fact that I do not actually perform the bulk of the cooking does not prevent me from taking full credit.
"I cooked Thanksgiving dinner," I am telling everyone. "I made that."
But I lie.
Tomorrow is going to be hard. We just lost my Granny last Friday (don't want to talk about it) and it still hasn't really sunk in with any of us. My Grandpa will be coming over, which is wonderful because I was afraid he'd stay home by himself. So I think it's finally going to hit us, and it will hit us really hard.
My Mom suggested doing a craft day with the girls. That way we can keep busy. So we'll be making Christmas gifts, burning our fingers to the bone with glue guns, and as always...eating all day long.
Anyway, I'll be keeping distant and keeping busy...don't mind me now, it's just a crazy holiday season.

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[.Who's Cryin' Now.]

I think this sums up my current mental state. I'd let you all in on why, but I'm better than that.

Sorry there's still no "Back in the day" blog yet. I'm still working on the pictures.

But look at the bright side, amongst these long, trivial days maybe something interesting or eventful will happen and you will all be treated to a story.

I appreciate everyone's patience and using less profanity in their emails to me. And, with that, I will stop talking about this forever, because seriously, this is turning out to be the most boring entry of all time.

-C

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[.Don't Stand So Close to Me.]

"Chelsey I've already SEEN THOSE PICTURES OF YOU!"

I KNOW.




Yeah, I lied. I am so sorry.
I'm a failure.



I didn't scan my pictures and I obviously didn't post that blog what, two or three days ago like I promised. Instead you're stuck with these three photos I found.
I suck at life.

Bad stuff happens to me. a lot.
Now, I realize I bring a lot of it on myself, in that I'm outstandingly clumsy. and you all know that because it's been either mentioned or witnessed by some of you.
But the way my life works is that if there is only one faulty paper coffee cup in the whole lot, it will be the one Wendy's gives me, and not only will I drip coffee down my shirt, which on that day would be white, on my way to something important, but also I'm positive I will slip and fall on the coffee that dripped to the marble floor in the important building's entryway. And wouldn't you know it, there'd be a room full of people.
Lately I've been receiving quite a few emails about my hearing loss and what I'm really feeling about it. Opposed to what everyone believes is a front that I'm putting up to hide my fear and depression.
Honestly, I'm okay. I'm not putting up a front and I'm just trying to see the positive rather than the negative in an unfortunate situation. I'm even starting to believe that Deafness may in fact be a gift from God. And for what reasons, I give you the following;

One of my greatest pet peeves is inappropriate gum-chewing, by which I mean people who chew gum with their mouths gaping wide open where I can see and hear them. Did they stray from the herd and get lost in the cattle drive?

Awkward conversations. Who approaches the deaf kid?

When and IF I use a public restroom, I don't have to hear what's going on in the other stalls.

I can focus better on my work, now that I can't hear the noisy distractions.

I have the option to tune out your horrible music taste in your car. You all should be grateful, no more complaining and repetitious station changing.

And also, it has a positive effect on my communication. Reading people's lips while they are speaking to me is something I rely on right now. In doing this, I'm becoming less uncomfortable looking directly at someone during conversation.
So there you have it. It's allllll good.

Oh yeah, about those pictures,I will go through my garage tonight, hopefully I'll stumble across that old shoebox. I'm sure this has been figured out however..that I "will" usually means "I'll try" in which I'll likely get caught up in life and again forget to do so and disappoint all of you.
So for all my legions of fans (hi, you two) I will eventually get to it. You know, in "Chelsey's Window of Potentia".
So in the mean time, I'll pretend like this blog is interesting enough to hold you over.
it's kinda like walking down the street thinking you're attracting attention because you look hot when really your fly's just down.


-C

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[.She's SO Cool, She's ALL THAT.]

You know what I realized when I was on Myspace today? That TOAD THE WET SPROCKET is playing at the CANYON CLUB in AGOURA HILLS on December 31st. I think my heart just squealed and quivered.
So, pretty much my favorite singer/songwriter of the now is; Glen Phillips, former lead singer of the TTWS. And this man is just unreasonably talented, and his lyrics will make you see Jesus, every time. If you've never heard of him, I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you check him out, especially if you like pretty music and incredible lyrics. Folkiness. ANYWAY. More importantly, even, is that I am going to miss this FANTASTIC show and I'm bummed. Because I truly know that the possibility exists that I will fall madly in love with this man and offer to have a bucketful of his children.
Anyway. Not that you will ever trust my opinion again now that I have told you about my TTWS obsession (did I just abbreviate that? totally did), but I have to share something else now.

Hiiiiii! I am back! And I'm getting back into the comings and goings of attempting piano playing. Which rocks, as normal, in my usual manner of being exceedingly lame. Truly I can only play a moderatly average version of Bach's Canon D Major. But I'm trying guys! I've gots to learns some new ones for California.
My friend Casey has decided to call off her wedding (yes, that's a good thing) and Jocelyn has decided to finally break away from her husband. So in honor of the dissolution of marriage (and 170 invited guests to a wedding that will not happen) we're having a party instead! So I've got a magic list of over 100 songs that she would like/may like/could go either way that she would like all of us to play for her. And everytime I receive a new list, she gets wind of a new theme, like "The 80's", "Sock Hop", "Disney Showtunes". So I have absolutely no idea of my fate at this party.
I am all tired of typing right now. Which is unfortunate, seeing as I am just now getting to the actual point of this entry, which was, well actually let's be honest there's never a real point to my entries. But forces are clearly aligning against me, because in addition to leading us all off on a tangent, I also forgot the USB driver with a bunch of pictures on it. I'll make it up to all of you though, I'll scan some of my most embarassing high school moments and previous years. But we'll travel back in time to the awkward years, they are kind of amusing to me, but I’ve definitely seen worse. Maybe you have not, maybe I'll make your day while you're laughing at my pain.
The pictures I have..now these must have been from the tail-end of the 90's, and therefore, the end of the 80's and 90's fashions I so lovingly embraced. We were moving away from a time of platforms, adidas, 70's style bellbottoms and spaghetti straps.... and into a time where I longed to dress like Sarah Michelle Geller from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Rachel Leigh Cook from She's All That.

I stocked up on low waist jeans, mini skirts, chunky jewelry and skate shoes.
Yessir, high school was the beginning of many new experiences. And I promise, promise I'll scan pictures. If I'm feeling a little saucy, maybe I will tonight.

Hope everyone's having a beautiful Monday. :)

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[.Heat of the Moment.[

k. I feel bad.

I feel like I owe some of you an apology. or an explanation or something. See, I am way sarcastic. dry. tongue-in-cheek. (in addition to being somewhat of a narcissist and perhaps a nerd too .)

and so I should probably clarify: Hi, I'm not a contraversial blogger.

I didn't mean to offend anyone with my political opinions. I was merely venting.

So that being said... I totally love you all and have MAJOR crushes on, like, most of you. (not all of you, mind you, because i'm not *that* e-slutty.) (no seriously.) (okay whatever.)

I'm only a human being people.

I fall a lot. And spill. And trip. I am always bruised. (True story: as I was driving to work after lunch, I noticed that I had managed to get mascara on my pant leg, just under my knee and on the other leg near my thigh. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? I don't know. It just...does.) My friend refers to this as my "breezy elegance." I am trying to embrace it.

And could you even guess what I yelled when I looked down upon my sad pair of slacks and noticed this problem?

"Ohhh pumpernickle!". Huh? Who says pumpernickle? What is pumpernickle? And why would that be the first word upon the many that I know, that sums up my current frusteration? Do I have some kind of underlying hatred for Rye Bread? Or the Germans? Am I blaming the Nazis for my clumsiness? Hmph.

Seriously, I'm cute and fun and all, but I am also often a bit much at times. you know? Can you even imagine? Do you have any idea how much I talk? About nothing? And everything? All at once?

You really don't, and that's fine. That's probably why we're still friends.

Anyways, just thought I'd throw that all out there.

Oh. Yes. Hey...you guys...I'm going to California the first week of December. Suh-weet! =)

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[.Uncle Sam Wants Me? Oh, wants me to shut up.]

Since I don't feel very comfortable talking about my political views (again) I will try blogging about an entirely different subject. But before that, let me just say that I have not voted yet and I am not looking forward to standing in line at the booths.
A bunch of "No to Prop I don't care, No Prop 200 you are going to raise my taxes. Prop what? Is that Congress speak for 'bend over and we'll ram you?'.'Prop 102, if I vote no would that make me gay?'." no, heck no, pfft, no", 'choose this guy', 'he's weird', 'is that name of non-American decent?', 'oh..I remember that guy, his television ad made me choke on my fist'. "Ahh, the Presidential box....hmm, last thought before this impact I make on the entire country? Maybe I'll channel in McCain through brainwaves. 'Yo, if you're President Mr. McCain...[Note: superstition won't allow me to use the word "when" for fear I'll jinx things], I'm putting you on my speed dial, and I expect you to pick up when I call. When I tell you I want a little sugar for a pet project of mine, I expect to see sweets showering down from the heavens'. That'll be all."

Well crap, now I've done got myself all worked up over politics and find myself grasping for an incling of words that can sum up my frusteration and provide some knowledge for my left brain, blue bruising friends.

Do you ever feel like this?

I do sometimes. It's suffocating.

First and foremost, again, I am non-partisan. I did register as a Republican, this year.

I am not voting for McCain because I like the man. Because in all reality, I don't like the man. He was my last choice. For now, he's my only hope.

I do admire the fact that he fought so hard for this country and his passion is genuine and sincere.

Obama's position is to institute socialist policies in this country, which by defintion, make him an enemy of the Constitution

Oh snap, I threw the word socialist in there.

Does everyone know what that means? Are we on the same page?

'Socialized' means under group control. Specifically, in this context, the word is a proxy for 'government' control. We all need to learn about these things. And perhaps learn a little more about reverse racism.

It might help prevent this::

An informed voter is a wise voter, get the facts, read between the lines. In this regard, the press has always been the cornerstone in the foundation of American democracy … that is, until the press became such an advocate of socialism and liberal politics that it can no longer be relied upon to convey "fair and balanced" information.
Such is why I do not watch the news or trust the media. I find my answers through friends, family and other trusted sources.

Anyway, back to work. Get out and vote!

Chelsey

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[.Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying.}

I'm here! Really!

I've just been a little m.i.a.

but, if I could really say what I am in the middle of right now, you would laugh until you died. And then you would buy me a box of wine, drill a hole in the top, and insert a straw, and this would be your thoughtful present to me. And I would not even complain if the wine was pink. THAT IS HOW FAR GONE I AM.

I'm doing awesome. Except for the blinding rage I feel towards Martin Cooper, the inventor of the cellular phone. Because without his doing, I would be able to concentrate on building this excel spreadsheet and not rereading the 5 texts I received around 1 am this morning.

How do people find my number?

Seriously, I am going to start keeping mace at my desk.

Or possibly Candies Perfume, circa 2002. It smells like vomit. Honest.

Spray a little and someone will walk up to you and ask "Hey, did you just vomit?"

Another thing...

I have decided that people don't exist unless they are standing in my direct line of vision. So that means you are a figment of my imagination, and I do not have the time to talk to myself right now.

Not having time for that, I do seem to find time to think of movies I'd like to watch again. One being City Slickers II. Really, the sequal.

Sometimes sequels do not suck. I believe that the cardinal examples used to prove this point are usually "Back to the Future II", "Jurassic Park III", because..let's be honest, Part II..as much as Jeff Goldblum rocks, the thought of a dinosaur running rampant around San Diego is outrageous. Ghostbusters II was not very good. "Jaws II-IV" were a little bad, but nowhere near the cinematic meltdown that was Jaws 3-D, in which the shark somehow obtained the ability to growl. And for some reason, these are the only two examples of sequels I can come up with right now. I am pretty sure, however, that more exist.

I would love to watch When Harry Met Sally again...arguably the funniest movie ever. It's witty, sweet, charming and philosophical all at once.

It's one of my favorites,

Harry: The first time we met, we hated each other.
Sally: No, you didn't hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn't even remember me.
Harry: I did too, I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends.
Sally: We were friends for a long time.
Harry: And then we weren't.
Sally: And then we fell in love.

I would marry Billy Crystal. Even when he's Mike from Monster's Inc.

Hmm, what else.

Yesterday I had my first meeting with my Vocational Rehabilitation Couselor. We have a lot on our agenda, hopefully things go well as planned. He has me focusing on a career goal and journaling all of my issues with my hearing disability. It's a little time consuming.

I feel like I've been a little lost in translation lately. I apologize.

I have a few very close friends who all exchange emails on a daily basis, and they probably haven't heard from me since, like, August. Except for every once in a while, when I pop in to utter some complete insanity along the lines of, "Hey, I'm not dead, guys, and I think you all need to come over because I bought a new soap dispenser for my bathroom and it looks really good, and I think I'm going to have this guy arrested this afternoon and the mailman just brought me this really big box and I'm afraid it's got a human head in it so I've gotta go. Later!"

huh? what?

-C

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[.Dexter & I, it's a complicated relationship.]

I've been given a new task at my job. It's been a rather challenging one. It has tested my patience, brought me to my knees in tears but has been rewarding in some deranged, unusual sort of way. So here's my record of experiences from my new task of taking care of the office mascot and his daily needs.

My Report on my first week with Dexter.

So far our first week was rather disappointing. It all started when some of the agents were mentioning how unsightly he is and poking fun at his paltry two strands of hair. I think he was upset that I did not defend him, possibly also that I may have chimed in a little. It's obvious he is very insecure, and apparently quite vengeful.
In my defense, I try to dust him and style his hair on a daily basis. But I’m cannot work miracles people!
The next morning I receive a note on my desk saying “How can you love nature, when it did that to you?”
I looked at him and asked “Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?”
He just stared at me with his mouth open.
The next morning, I thought the grudge he had was over. I seated him up right and went to check the phone messages. When I sat down, the chair slid downward so that my chin hit the desk. I’m pretty sure that he got into my computer and messed with MS Word. Because whenever I would type an email my name would be automatically replaced with "I’m a LOSER" and the word "the" was replaced with "DEXTER RULES". Later on, I went to grab a paperclip and they were ALL connected adding up to about 25 ft.
The following day was a little more eventful.
He deliberately changed the first cursor from an arrow to the same thing they use for the "Busy" cursor on my mouse. Just to see how long I would stare at my screen waiting for the computer to finish what it's doing.
I temporarily lit his hair on fire.
At the end of the week, I could tell by the blank look on his face that he was truly sorry for what he had done. We set aside our differences and realized that we are stuck together and we need to be professional.
But don’t be surprised if I might just take a nice, long drive. And when I’m driving, I might just roll down my window. After that, I might just inadvertently throw him to a stray dog.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
☺

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[.Someone Disrupted the Force.]

So this morning didn't seem to be any different than any other day. And today, I really just wanted to blog about Dexter, the office mascot...and our vengence that we seek against one another everyday. But no, NO, no. I have to blog about this.
And here we go!

I answer 9 phone lines all day, everyday. I get calls from clients, prospects for future clients, insurance companies, insurance sales, marketing and among all of these...hostile, bitter solicitors.
About 6-7 months ago, I receive a call from this company called "Quantum". The guy asked for an Agent that handled annuities. I told him the agent he's asking for is in a business meeting, and if I could transfer him to someone else that could assist him. He replies "Another broker please" I asked if I could tell them who is calling. He then repeated "another broker please". "Okay, well I need to let them know who is calling" And he said "broker please" repeatedly until I hung up on him. The phone rings, I answer...silence...then...

"when your boss finds out you lost him millions of dollars, you're going to get fired you little b!?$%".

I told my boss about this, and he calls the guy back and gives him an earful. (I love working here).

ANYHOW, back to THIS morning. A woman calls asking for the "Business Owner or Office Manager". I politely tell her that he is out of town and if I could take a message. Which in Chelsey Speak translates to "I am going to pretend to write down your information and pretend to put it on his desk". She askes if I make any of the decisions for the business, I tell her no. She then proceeds to tell me anyway and I hung up on her to take the two calls that were ringing. I could hardly understand her, she had a thick Middle Eastern accent and talked way too fast. THEN....

"I just wanted to let you know there's a bomb in your establishment".

She hung up. I *69'd that line and wrote down her number.

I called and asked "did you say there was a bomb in our establishment?"
"Yes". (uh, wtf?!)

"I am going to file a police report against you."

CLICK!!!

One of the girls called back asking her name. Katy. And apparently she is in Florida. So I tell Eric this and he called the police. All he really wanted was an officer to call and say that her actions were inappropriate and unlawful.

The dispatcher told us in order to file a report we'd have to have the police search the building. So we did, they asked us a lot of questions and said they'd give her a call. I don't know how I could possibly provoke these solicitors to be SO furious and aggressive. I guess I'm just that great.
So, all I can really say is....

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[.Until Your Death, Do We Part.]

So due to some recent unfortunate events, I have come up an idea that may brighten these somber days.


A marriage is often celebrated with a big wedding, and a big wedding cake. Each member of the community eating a small piece of a big cake is symbolic of the fact that marriage is not merely a private affair, but also a public concern. All too often, however, divorce or separation happens privately, shamefully, and out of the public eye. I say, let's publicly celebrate divorce. Let the community participate in the dissolution of marriage, as well. Let them eat cake, too.

I am aware that this could be a tad offensive to some people. "Think inside the box Chelsey, marriage is serious and divorce is NOT funny".

You know, I could ignore your irritating box-talk, and just write something already. But, truth be told this was pretty much all I could conjure up.

-C

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[.I'm Lost Without You.]

I know that you can't miss me if I don't go away, but..here I am. Back on the net, feeling IMMENSELY sorry for myself. I'm trying to decide where to start, and how to distill these events into a cohesive narrat...ah, here it is.

....everything is falling apart..provided that it is anywhere close to me. I don't know what my problem was this weekend, but apparently, I have caught some brand of funk that causes all things within my vicinity to disintegrate before my very eyes. Everything is breaking.
In short, I have a stalker. Even shorter, this stalker has caused others to be involved, thus making this a neverending issue. I feel like I'll never recover.

I've got family problems that I will not publish, because I do have that much respect for their privacy. Under current circumstances, I've learned to be a little more vigilant about what I write on the internet.

All of this aside, the real reason worth blogging and the real reason to not sit around and wallow in self pity is that one of my best friends is in the hospital. I have hardly any details except that she took an almost lethal combination of medication. She's in ICU and hasn't woken up yet. The Doctor's are sure she is going to have some brain damage but should wake up and be okay. Worst of all, no one knows if this was intentional.
How do these things happen? How could someone let these things happen? I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I mean...the girl does not live in a cave or under a rock. She works, is a part of a charitable organization and spends every night with her family. How could her being depressed go unnoticed? It's times like these where I HATE being so far away. I hardly slept at all last night, because I kept wondering if someone was there with her. She has a wonderful family, and fortunately her father is a surgeon as well as her Aunt. There's just something about not being there that makes you feel this huge void.

I love Casey so much. She has become one of the few people that I can trust and pour my heart out to. And we've only become close in the past year. Her brother dubbed us "the barbie twins". I'm the one with the advice and shoulder to lean on..she's the one who will always bring a smile to your face and remind you that everything will be fine and it's okay to laugh.

Okay, I can't continue this. I'm having enough trouble keeping this all inside and just need to get through the work day. But I at least wanted her to see that even though I'm far away, she's in my heart, thoughts and prayers right now and means so so so much to me.

You're in all of our thoughts and prayers. God speed a full recovery.

Thanks for reading,

Chels

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[[.Catch a Falling Star.]]

Since I've received emails filled with complaints that I haven't blogged in a few weeks, I thought I would.

So. to make it up to all of you...all three of you...Here is my list of Dirty, Dirty Secrets that are about to be not so secret anymore.

Brace yourselves.

I am feeling very proud of myself today.

1. I sing very bad folk songs in the shower. Oh yes, I do. It is all AM Gold, all the time in there.

Do not tell Dean.

Really, we should not be too worried about Dean though, who never reads this site anyway, even when I tell him, "HEY! I wrote about you! Go read!" When I tell him this, he invariably says, "Oh, I will totally read that, sometime in the future when I have nothing to do, even though I am sitting at a computer playing Solitaire right now at this exact minute, but I cannot possibly be dragged away because HI,.. SOLITAIRE is more interesting than you."

Maybe that is not exactly what he says. But it is what his heart says to me.

2. Still on the music subject. There are times where I will listen to nothing but Perry Como and John Denver on repeat. Take me home, Country roads.

3. ..you know, actually..no more. I now am having anxiety mortified if I told too much.

Anyway. So my lease is up at the end of this month, can you believe it? And I have to tell you. I hate moving. I am having to pack up all of my things in boxes (as that is, you know, sort of the cornerstone of the moving process), and I have filled FIVE trash bags (seriously. Yes.) with crap from my closet, and...and...ugh. It's driving me up a wall.

But it's all worth it since Dean's been working his butt off making sure the house is perfect. And so far it looks beautiful, he's done a great job.

You know what I realized you guys? I am seriously the biggest klutz I know. I cannot walk in a straight line, and I live in everloving fear of a sobriety checkpoint, because I could not walk in a straight line if I had just returned from six weeks in a convent, in a cave, UNDER A ROCK, without even the THOUGHT of alcohol within a seventy square-mile radius. It does not matter! I can't do it! I will fall down! And then I will go to jail!

Ahh, geez. I am so crabby today it's ridiculous.

I NEED to get back in school. I honestly cannot understand why people are SO quick to assume that just because I might be just a little quiet, because I'm SHY, and not so talkative because I can't HEAR anything, that I'm not intelligent. Other reasons I might not be so responsive to you could be simply that I do not LIKE you, am not IMPRESSED by you and think you're completely TRIVIAL.

All right, I'm finished.

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[[.Yellow Brick Road.]]

Friends, in the interest of total and complete frustration, I am going to go ahead and post this entry. I have written two other entries, but I have inadvertently deleted them both, and it is getting very very frustrating over here in my small, small world.
But only this one time, I will actually keep this one, because it continued to be funny to me, and I thought, well, heck. I will keep this for my own amusement. Because at least I will sort of giggle mildly upon rereading. But I won't actually post it, because, I try not to post rambling entries, according to a hardline rule that I made up one morning. And lord knows, we can't violate that ironclad rule of blog governance! Heavens no!
But, obviously, that was before I deleted two entries in a row, and before I finally exploded with GOOD GRIEF SCREW IT ALL about the entire situation. And now I am thinking along the lines of "Also, screw that ironclad rule thing, too, because since when is the internet bound by rules? Guidelines, people! Advisories! That's all that exists in this brave new world, and I'm going forward with a boring, lame-o entry, and we will probably all survive.

But, the timing was interesting, to say the least, and it forced me to put a lot of stuff in perspective. And because I am not particularly good with perspective...where there are angles involved, Like in geometry, In which I believe I earned a C..., that whole business took me a while.
But, okay. So here I am. And, I'm not sad anymore. Instead, every day, I've gotten better. And at this point, I'm feeling pretty awesome, actually; in fact, I'm happier than I remember being in years. Things work out the way they're supposed to, it turns out. And I've learned that sometimes, you're running a race that you really don't want to win. Smart or not, though, I am still compelled to share my lessons learned.
I don't know! I am just here to communicate words, in varying degrees of coherence. Because, that is kind of 'my thang' so to speak: Sporadic Coherence. Word fumbling.. and also bruising. Okay, I can't think of another one.
Hey, should I just go back to work ? I should probably just go back to bed. And forget this entry ever existed. And yet, I forge on.
So, I’m kind of far behind in my laundry. I am also kind of far behind in “calling people back,” “reading or responding to emails,” and “bringing the mail from the mailbox to the house.” It has been that kind of busy. Busy how, I have no idea, but for some undisclosed reason I have neglected to do those things.
So, in short: I am a little overwhelmed right now. And being overwhelmed makes me talk in a mysterious manner. And then I am like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, soaked in an acid trip, and then played out on reality television. In short twice, my life rules. But my emails rule more.

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[[.The time's, they are a-changin'.]]

This may come as a shocker to most of you, if not ALL of you. But I did happen to catch Obama's speech. Not the exact night it was televised, but a recap on the news.
I'll be honest, he is a very motivational speaker. Not unlike his fellow Democrat Bill Clinton. But after seeing the tears, cheering, emotional craziness of his following I have to say: This is a man, America, not a God. You can't praise him as a hero when he has not accomplished anything yet.
Yes, it's historical. Yes, it's wonderful a Black man was nominated in a country that has been criticized (and continues to be criticized) for its racism, but he is NOT the right Black man. And although his acceptance speech, coincidentally or not, coincided with the 45th anniversary of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have A Dream Speech" (who happened to be a Republican), he is NOT Martin Luther King.
The many changes, changes of a better America and a better future for us all, his promises, his promises; but those promises ring hollow when those of us, who can see through his political rhetoric, know Obama is saying anything and everything simply to get elected. He continues to morph into someone he is not, but that he thinks will be more palatable to a greater majority of voters. Obama is innexperienced and just does not have the life skills to do the job AND begin to articulate a positive message that hits on pro-growth themes. It is a juggling act to be sure but the pathway is there.
I do realize that this blog is going to upset all of my friends from California. The Democrats. Before anyone goes off accusing me of being a part of any party or a raging liberal...check yo' self. I'm non-partisan. I vote for who I think is the right canidate, not by the party. I'm not very open about my political views. In fact, I don't say much of anything to anyone regarding the election. Other than the small moans and groans that I'm stuck watching debates instead of Scrubs or the Discovery Channel.
That being said, on to McCain. --
I don't know much about him, didn't really care to have him as the running Republican candidate either. So I feel kind of stupid now for bringing up his name, but I'm far too lazy to hit backspace and try to find something else to fill up the void. I do like John McCain a little more now than in the beginning. I understand his motivations a little better. McCain's speech was not the rousing kind of oratory like Obama's but it was thoughtful and genuine. And that is something that is in direct contrast to Obama's speech. But I think I've heard more about McCain's VP, Sara Palin. Now once again, I'll kindly admit my ignorance that I knew nothing about Sarah Palin, other than the fact she's the Governor of Alaska. But what is it with her? My best guess is maybe she really is Tina Fey and the entire country is involved on what will be the greatest comedy sketch of all time.
I see many anti-McCain Republicans claimed they would be more likely to vote for him if he chose her as Vice President. And they are. Why are they fussin'? They also seem to forget that she isn't running for President, and McCain isn't dead.
Rant rant rant. I think I'll be getting back to work now. All this Political banter is making my brain swell.
-C

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[[.I Eat Cannibals.]]

It's a song title, settle down.
You know, I was joking about my fridge in the last entry. I do have more than just mustard. There's an abundance of old, likely rotted food in there as well.
I do this just about every time I go to the grocery store. I cannot leave the grocery store without purchasing fruit, vegetables, cheese, and sandwich meats. And then I never eat them. They sit in the refrigerator or in the pantry, all hopeful and fresh, and I reach past them for Diet Cokes. I kill their hope, the small hopes of these little fresh foods, and ultimately, they give up and grow very sad mold, and must be tossed in the garbage. And then I go to the grocery store and think, "Wow, I'm out of turkey," AND THE CYCLE BEGINS ANEW.
Know how you can be really smart about some things, but really, phenominally stupid about others? And know how there are just some areas that you have not mastered, that really, you don't know too much about and are just kind of going by the seat of your pants and hoping like heck that NOBODY ASKS YOU ANYTHING, because you will almost certainly get caught in your zone of idiocy?
Well, I think I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Generally I know what's up with politics and the world and what darn thing Gwyneth wore to the Oscars this time. And I went to what some might call a college, and I do other things that imply A MODICUM of common sense.
But! I have absolutely no grasp of several things. None. I cannot learn them. I do not understand them. A sampling of these things include:
(1) Units of measurement (ounces to grams to what?)
(2) Geography (I think "Delaware" is maybe somewhere next to "Europe")
(3) Car parts in their entirety.. HI. THIS LAST ONE IS A PROBLEM.
Maybe I should try? I don't know. Might interfere with the amount of useless knowledge I have stored in my brain that I'd like to keep around for a trivia game of "You Don't know JACK!".
Wellllll, because I can't just sit here and daydream about an alternate life in which I was never given a real job with real duties and real work...I must leave.
Hope everyone enjoys their day.

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[.You Might Think I'm Crazy.]

I really don't have excessive amounts of things for this entry, because it's really more of a head's-up, hello kind of thing. Which is atrociously boring, isn't it? But, you know, if I think about it, I bet before I am finished writing all of these words down, something will remind me of something else, and then I will go off on a tangent and we will all be treated to a story about something embarassing and/or tragic had happened. Because that is just how I roll.
Anyway! SO, here is the latest, in no particular order, and also I am hungry, but nobody can help me there, because the only thing in my refrigerator is mustard.

I can't stop saying "Outrageous" Outrageous! I have been threatening outrageousness, describing outrageousness, and loudly suggesting being outrageous for days now. How did that get stuck in my head, I wonder? Crazy perhaps? I'd think so.
I truly don't have much to say...I did a lot this weekend but that blog will come when I have pictures, because you can't do the whole blogger thing and not have pictures.
But just because I don't necessarily have anything interesting to say does not mean that I won't write anyway. You know this. And today, I think we should have a frank discussion about the startling fact that I have been having some seriously 'effed up dreams, like very 'effed up.
And, hey. Know how you totally hate it when other people start talking about their dreams, and it lasts for, like, forever, and they go into all this tedious detail and you just want to start throttling them just so they will SHUT UP, OH MY GOSH, YOUR DREAMS ARE SO BORING?

----If you answered "yes", you probably want to quit reading. Now. ---

Because last night, I dreamt that I was engaged to Desi Arnaz and a myna bird.

No, really. I'm absolutely serious.

And, yeah, I can see the Desi Arnaz thing, because I've been watching a lot of 'I Love Lucy' lately. I watch it everyday on my lunch when I get the chance, and then whenever I see it otherwise. So I have been, essentially, SATURATED with Desi Arnaz to the point that it is NOT SURPRISING that my unconscious mind believes that Desi and I (I get to call him Desi) have developed some sort of special, two-dimensional relationship. So this can be explained. But...a myna bird?

I mean, first off, what the HECK is a myna bird?
I didn't even know. I had to look it up.

It turns out that they are pesky and small and inappropriate marriage material. I'm pretty sure the name was subconciously embedded into my brain from the Discovery Channel.
(Still, if I get to choose which myna bird I am engaged to marry, I choose the one with the bigg hair. Big hair looks sort of hot and carefree on myna birds.)

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.Totally Random and Out of Control.

I feel that we need more slang. You know, terms and phrases that no one else seems to understand..so I sat here conjuring up some stuff instead of using my intelligence for something of more depth. Enjoy.
Snarky- This is a nice way to say someone is being a prick. This really is a word and if you don't believe me- look it up.
Boogiewagga- Okay, this one is totally fictitious I must admit, but it can be used to describe snarky. I'll use it in a sentence "Why ya bein' snarky? You know, all boogiewagga 'n stuff?"
Rock the Casbah- My way of saying thank you; in other words, you're the boss, apple sauce.
WEE!- Say it out loud...you can't help but smile!
Cattywompus- 1) not right or 2) an object next to catty-corner, not quite in a strait direction from a certain point.
Window of Chelsey Potentia- (thanks Casey)- this is the window of time for which I may show up for something, taking full advantage of the power of "ish". For instance- I'll be there around 7ish means there is a window of Chelsey pontentia between 6:30 and 7:45. Deal with it.
Butthole!- Must be said with the most gutral inclination while waving an angry fist in the air; typically directed at someone who likes to brake harshly at every street because they do not know where their destination is.
Craptacular- This word means something is horrible. If you tell me you have a VD, I'll say, "Dude, that's craptacular" before pulling out my hand sanitizer. It may also be a good way of getting people to stop using sh** so often.
Fandangled Contraption- kind of like flux capacitor, but different.

L7 Weiny- calling someone a square or chicken. Must be said while making a square with your hands by holding out your thumb and index fingers out. Like plum and reckon, I'm working to bring this one back as well...just watch The Sandlot.

Seadonkey- a.k.a. Swamp donkey a.k.a. rhinopig a.k.a. behemoth- you know, that unidentifiable species at the bar that makes you feel good about yourself. Avoid direct eye-contact.

Planet Bulls*** - Sometimes it's just where you think you are.

Dueling Banjos- It's being caught in a quandry. Like, "dude, I'm totally dueling banjos between two people right now".

Enopatch- An expression meaning "You have failed to include substantive, useful content, among all that verbosity."

Tactical Stupidity-Sudden, total inability to comprehend a problem one finds inconvenient. The tactical variety can be distinguished from genuine stupidity by vanishing the instant those supposedly unable to cope start figuring things out.

-C

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Oh geez, Really?

Does Chelsey now have a Blogspot? Yeah, she really does.
Laugh if you must, but sometimes blogs can be a good thing....Now I'm partial to this site, because most people that I know who have these have kids, families, interesting lives. I am none of the above. But I will tell you this, I will try to make these interesting and as painlessly boring as possible!
I would assume that the majority of people who would be reading this know me, but if not...I welcome and warn you.
:)

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