[.Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying.}

I'm here! Really!

I've just been a little m.i.a.

but, if I could really say what I am in the middle of right now, you would laugh until you died. And then you would buy me a box of wine, drill a hole in the top, and insert a straw, and this would be your thoughtful present to me. And I would not even complain if the wine was pink. THAT IS HOW FAR GONE I AM.

I'm doing awesome. Except for the blinding rage I feel towards Martin Cooper, the inventor of the cellular phone. Because without his doing, I would be able to concentrate on building this excel spreadsheet and not rereading the 5 texts I received around 1 am this morning.

How do people find my number?

Seriously, I am going to start keeping mace at my desk.

Or possibly Candies Perfume, circa 2002. It smells like vomit. Honest.

Spray a little and someone will walk up to you and ask "Hey, did you just vomit?"

Another thing...

I have decided that people don't exist unless they are standing in my direct line of vision. So that means you are a figment of my imagination, and I do not have the time to talk to myself right now.

Not having time for that, I do seem to find time to think of movies I'd like to watch again. One being City Slickers II. Really, the sequal.

Sometimes sequels do not suck. I believe that the cardinal examples used to prove this point are usually "Back to the Future II", "Jurassic Park III", because..let's be honest, Part II..as much as Jeff Goldblum rocks, the thought of a dinosaur running rampant around San Diego is outrageous. Ghostbusters II was not very good. "Jaws II-IV" were a little bad, but nowhere near the cinematic meltdown that was Jaws 3-D, in which the shark somehow obtained the ability to growl. And for some reason, these are the only two examples of sequels I can come up with right now. I am pretty sure, however, that more exist.

I would love to watch When Harry Met Sally again...arguably the funniest movie ever. It's witty, sweet, charming and philosophical all at once.

It's one of my favorites,

Harry: The first time we met, we hated each other.
Sally: No, you didn't hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn't even remember me.
Harry: I did too, I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends.
Sally: We were friends for a long time.
Harry: And then we weren't.
Sally: And then we fell in love.

I would marry Billy Crystal. Even when he's Mike from Monster's Inc.

Hmm, what else.

Yesterday I had my first meeting with my Vocational Rehabilitation Couselor. We have a lot on our agenda, hopefully things go well as planned. He has me focusing on a career goal and journaling all of my issues with my hearing disability. It's a little time consuming.

I feel like I've been a little lost in translation lately. I apologize.

I have a few very close friends who all exchange emails on a daily basis, and they probably haven't heard from me since, like, August. Except for every once in a while, when I pop in to utter some complete insanity along the lines of, "Hey, I'm not dead, guys, and I think you all need to come over because I bought a new soap dispenser for my bathroom and it looks really good, and I think I'm going to have this guy arrested this afternoon and the mailman just brought me this really big box and I'm afraid it's got a human head in it so I've gotta go. Later!"

huh? what?

-C

Read more...

[.Dexter & I, it's a complicated relationship.]

I've been given a new task at my job. It's been a rather challenging one. It has tested my patience, brought me to my knees in tears but has been rewarding in some deranged, unusual sort of way. So here's my record of experiences from my new task of taking care of the office mascot and his daily needs.

My Report on my first week with Dexter.

So far our first week was rather disappointing. It all started when some of the agents were mentioning how unsightly he is and poking fun at his paltry two strands of hair. I think he was upset that I did not defend him, possibly also that I may have chimed in a little. It's obvious he is very insecure, and apparently quite vengeful.
In my defense, I try to dust him and style his hair on a daily basis. But I’m cannot work miracles people!
The next morning I receive a note on my desk saying “How can you love nature, when it did that to you?”
I looked at him and asked “Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?”
He just stared at me with his mouth open.
The next morning, I thought the grudge he had was over. I seated him up right and went to check the phone messages. When I sat down, the chair slid downward so that my chin hit the desk. I’m pretty sure that he got into my computer and messed with MS Word. Because whenever I would type an email my name would be automatically replaced with "I’m a LOSER" and the word "the" was replaced with "DEXTER RULES". Later on, I went to grab a paperclip and they were ALL connected adding up to about 25 ft.
The following day was a little more eventful.
He deliberately changed the first cursor from an arrow to the same thing they use for the "Busy" cursor on my mouse. Just to see how long I would stare at my screen waiting for the computer to finish what it's doing.
I temporarily lit his hair on fire.
At the end of the week, I could tell by the blank look on his face that he was truly sorry for what he had done. We set aside our differences and realized that we are stuck together and we need to be professional.
But don’t be surprised if I might just take a nice, long drive. And when I’m driving, I might just roll down my window. After that, I might just inadvertently throw him to a stray dog.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
☺

Read more...

[.Someone Disrupted the Force.]

So this morning didn't seem to be any different than any other day. And today, I really just wanted to blog about Dexter, the office mascot...and our vengence that we seek against one another everyday. But no, NO, no. I have to blog about this.
And here we go!

I answer 9 phone lines all day, everyday. I get calls from clients, prospects for future clients, insurance companies, insurance sales, marketing and among all of these...hostile, bitter solicitors.
About 6-7 months ago, I receive a call from this company called "Quantum". The guy asked for an Agent that handled annuities. I told him the agent he's asking for is in a business meeting, and if I could transfer him to someone else that could assist him. He replies "Another broker please" I asked if I could tell them who is calling. He then repeated "another broker please". "Okay, well I need to let them know who is calling" And he said "broker please" repeatedly until I hung up on him. The phone rings, I answer...silence...then...

"when your boss finds out you lost him millions of dollars, you're going to get fired you little b!?$%".

I told my boss about this, and he calls the guy back and gives him an earful. (I love working here).

ANYHOW, back to THIS morning. A woman calls asking for the "Business Owner or Office Manager". I politely tell her that he is out of town and if I could take a message. Which in Chelsey Speak translates to "I am going to pretend to write down your information and pretend to put it on his desk". She askes if I make any of the decisions for the business, I tell her no. She then proceeds to tell me anyway and I hung up on her to take the two calls that were ringing. I could hardly understand her, she had a thick Middle Eastern accent and talked way too fast. THEN....

"I just wanted to let you know there's a bomb in your establishment".

She hung up. I *69'd that line and wrote down her number.

I called and asked "did you say there was a bomb in our establishment?"
"Yes". (uh, wtf?!)

"I am going to file a police report against you."

CLICK!!!

One of the girls called back asking her name. Katy. And apparently she is in Florida. So I tell Eric this and he called the police. All he really wanted was an officer to call and say that her actions were inappropriate and unlawful.

The dispatcher told us in order to file a report we'd have to have the police search the building. So we did, they asked us a lot of questions and said they'd give her a call. I don't know how I could possibly provoke these solicitors to be SO furious and aggressive. I guess I'm just that great.
So, all I can really say is....

Read more...

[.Until Your Death, Do We Part.]

So due to some recent unfortunate events, I have come up an idea that may brighten these somber days.


A marriage is often celebrated with a big wedding, and a big wedding cake. Each member of the community eating a small piece of a big cake is symbolic of the fact that marriage is not merely a private affair, but also a public concern. All too often, however, divorce or separation happens privately, shamefully, and out of the public eye. I say, let's publicly celebrate divorce. Let the community participate in the dissolution of marriage, as well. Let them eat cake, too.

I am aware that this could be a tad offensive to some people. "Think inside the box Chelsey, marriage is serious and divorce is NOT funny".

You know, I could ignore your irritating box-talk, and just write something already. But, truth be told this was pretty much all I could conjure up.

-C

Read more...

[.I'm Lost Without You.]

I know that you can't miss me if I don't go away, but..here I am. Back on the net, feeling IMMENSELY sorry for myself. I'm trying to decide where to start, and how to distill these events into a cohesive narrat...ah, here it is.

....everything is falling apart..provided that it is anywhere close to me. I don't know what my problem was this weekend, but apparently, I have caught some brand of funk that causes all things within my vicinity to disintegrate before my very eyes. Everything is breaking.
In short, I have a stalker. Even shorter, this stalker has caused others to be involved, thus making this a neverending issue. I feel like I'll never recover.

I've got family problems that I will not publish, because I do have that much respect for their privacy. Under current circumstances, I've learned to be a little more vigilant about what I write on the internet.

All of this aside, the real reason worth blogging and the real reason to not sit around and wallow in self pity is that one of my best friends is in the hospital. I have hardly any details except that she took an almost lethal combination of medication. She's in ICU and hasn't woken up yet. The Doctor's are sure she is going to have some brain damage but should wake up and be okay. Worst of all, no one knows if this was intentional.
How do these things happen? How could someone let these things happen? I'm not trying to blame anyone, but I mean...the girl does not live in a cave or under a rock. She works, is a part of a charitable organization and spends every night with her family. How could her being depressed go unnoticed? It's times like these where I HATE being so far away. I hardly slept at all last night, because I kept wondering if someone was there with her. She has a wonderful family, and fortunately her father is a surgeon as well as her Aunt. There's just something about not being there that makes you feel this huge void.

I love Casey so much. She has become one of the few people that I can trust and pour my heart out to. And we've only become close in the past year. Her brother dubbed us "the barbie twins". I'm the one with the advice and shoulder to lean on..she's the one who will always bring a smile to your face and remind you that everything will be fine and it's okay to laugh.

Okay, I can't continue this. I'm having enough trouble keeping this all inside and just need to get through the work day. But I at least wanted her to see that even though I'm far away, she's in my heart, thoughts and prayers right now and means so so so much to me.

You're in all of our thoughts and prayers. God speed a full recovery.

Thanks for reading,

Chels

Read more...

[[.Catch a Falling Star.]]

Since I've received emails filled with complaints that I haven't blogged in a few weeks, I thought I would.

So. to make it up to all of you...all three of you...Here is my list of Dirty, Dirty Secrets that are about to be not so secret anymore.

Brace yourselves.

I am feeling very proud of myself today.

1. I sing very bad folk songs in the shower. Oh yes, I do. It is all AM Gold, all the time in there.

Do not tell Dean.

Really, we should not be too worried about Dean though, who never reads this site anyway, even when I tell him, "HEY! I wrote about you! Go read!" When I tell him this, he invariably says, "Oh, I will totally read that, sometime in the future when I have nothing to do, even though I am sitting at a computer playing Solitaire right now at this exact minute, but I cannot possibly be dragged away because HI,.. SOLITAIRE is more interesting than you."

Maybe that is not exactly what he says. But it is what his heart says to me.

2. Still on the music subject. There are times where I will listen to nothing but Perry Como and John Denver on repeat. Take me home, Country roads.

3. ..you know, actually..no more. I now am having anxiety mortified if I told too much.

Anyway. So my lease is up at the end of this month, can you believe it? And I have to tell you. I hate moving. I am having to pack up all of my things in boxes (as that is, you know, sort of the cornerstone of the moving process), and I have filled FIVE trash bags (seriously. Yes.) with crap from my closet, and...and...ugh. It's driving me up a wall.

But it's all worth it since Dean's been working his butt off making sure the house is perfect. And so far it looks beautiful, he's done a great job.

You know what I realized you guys? I am seriously the biggest klutz I know. I cannot walk in a straight line, and I live in everloving fear of a sobriety checkpoint, because I could not walk in a straight line if I had just returned from six weeks in a convent, in a cave, UNDER A ROCK, without even the THOUGHT of alcohol within a seventy square-mile radius. It does not matter! I can't do it! I will fall down! And then I will go to jail!

Ahh, geez. I am so crabby today it's ridiculous.

I NEED to get back in school. I honestly cannot understand why people are SO quick to assume that just because I might be just a little quiet, because I'm SHY, and not so talkative because I can't HEAR anything, that I'm not intelligent. Other reasons I might not be so responsive to you could be simply that I do not LIKE you, am not IMPRESSED by you and think you're completely TRIVIAL.

All right, I'm finished.

Read more...