But as you all probably noticed by mail, that you didn't receive, that I didn't send one to you...or anyone.
TOTALLY forgot, TOTAL idiot.
Sowwie...
Here it tis.
Oh Happy Holidays my friend!
Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just because I am constantly referring to you in the generic second person and not including any personal information about you that this is one of those tacky one-size-fits-all impersonal letters that are being mass mailed to everyone I know instead of taking the time to write individual letters. I would like to think that you know me well enough to realize that I am above that type of behavior.Ahahaha, I joke. You all are getting the same one.
Usually I get bundles of these and they are all filled with kid updates, vacations, good news and bad news. I like knowing that my friend's have productive, successful lives and talented, wonderful children. Is there anything these families couldn’t do? Do they make this stuff up? I’d like to see the rough drafts to the letters that throw caution to the wind. These are the ones that would update us on what is really happening in our friends' lives, with a lot less of the sugar coating and a lot more real life. For example;
“Little Bobby got kicked out of preschool, but we think he's got a bright future as a hostage negotiator. And Mikey ate a bug, Mikey likes it!”--
Didn’t that kid die from Pop Rocks?
Ahh, enough about them, what about me!?
Despite the fact I didn't accomplish much. I did manage to keep myself busy enough to write an end-of-the-year letter, which I never have before. However, because I'm one for giving back to the people, I decided I would write one of my own. You can be sure it will be filled with delight and upbeat happiness that only I can provide during this festive season. And it's all free with no danger of you being added to my mailing list or pestered for money when I'm living in a cardboard box under the viaduct next year.
2008 was all about making changes, and at the beginning of the year 2008, I changed my gender.
HAHA, FOOLED you!
In case you didn't already know, I left my jobs at both the Chiropractor’s office and Suncoast Motion Pictures. Among other things, the thought of working two jobs and working another Black Friday slowly wore down my will to live. I started working for an Insurance company and have been there since. I love it there, and I continue to stay there until they either fire me or the building is destroyed by a small, ticking package from Florida.
While I’m generally not good at things like “making plans” or “developing strategies”, I did manage to come up with a vague notion of creating a blog. I know, I’m late. After the first two entries I was hooked. I would say it is like crack to me, but I've never smoked crack, so something like "high fructose corn syrup" or "partially hydrogenated oils" would be more appropriate to my situation.
I am really good though, at putting things off a lot longer than I probably should at times, so this year I decided to get a jump on my mid-life crisis and bring a new man into my life. His name’s Jack. He’s a Rabbit, settle down. He’s growing up real fast. My, how those tender first moments fly by. Well, nothing has changed. Except that the tiny poops aren’t cute anymore. Lately the only thing I’ve accomplished with him is weight gain.
Oh yeah, and that other guy.
Dean and I hit the 3 year mark March 15th of this year. As I’m typing the date, I’m actually trying to figure out when it was that our relationship actually started. We both decided that the first time we met in person was the start of our relationship for future anniversary purposes. But now, wait a tick, I’m starting to document no less than five different levels of the relationship that need to be taken into consideration in establishing an anniversary date. There is the first time we met, the first formal date, the first time we agreed not to see other people, the first time we said "I love you", and a few other milestones that I can't remember at the moment. Nailing down an anniversary date has been an exercise in futility.
I’m making an executive decision and placing our anniversary on the same day as the Super bowl. This way we can always celebrate it on the weekend, and he can’t forget.. I briefly considered making it Martin Luther King Jr's birthday, but that is always on Monday, and I didn't want Dean accusing me of playing the race card. Anyhow, I think he’s enjoyed my presence; he’s only tried to throw himself out of a moving car once or twice.
I lost a lot of my hearing this year. Which I’m dealing with, and have discovered it’s endless benefits. Such as, avoiding conversation, noise from public restroom stalls and friend’s horrible music taste.
October of ’08 I moved from my apartment into a house. Everyone is welcome to come and see it- provided that I in no way, incur any financial responsibility and that you leave when I grow tired of your company.
I sang at my friend’s “Anti-Wedding” party a couple of weeks ago. Really, it wasn’t cynical, it was a celebration! We covered what felt like several hundred 80’s songs and I’m pretty sure everyone in the audience enjoyed it. We even got a standing ovation, in which everyone was already standing, but they hopped a little for enthusiasm. They then cried and promised us all lots of money. I’m sure I was probably the only sober one there, so that’s the story I told them.
Where am I going to go from here? What will 2009 hold for me? If you know the answers to these questions, please e-mail me ASAP so I can get on with my life. I'm thinking of getting out of the whole working industry all together. And following my dream of dying my hair blue and forming a comedic guitar duo that sings funny songs for spare change out on the street when the weather is nice. I've already written a couple songs such as "I Fought the Law (and now I’m in jail)’" and "Dear Stalker, I Miss Your Phone Calls"-- those I believe will help me earn a name for myself in the cutthroat
Well, I guess I've rambled on enough for this year. I wish only the best for everyone in 2009. Everyone, that is, except for Jar Jar Binks-- I wish only bad and evil things for that computer generated monstrosity. I fantasize about him being pummeled to death in the next Star Wars movie by the Ewoks after some wacky misunderstanding during his gratuitous vacation scene on the third moon of Endor. (I caught the middle of that movie last night). I can’t be the only person that feels that way. Oh and make Al Gore happy; remember to recycle folks, because if you don't all of us will have to live with the garbage until the sun runs out of fuel and collapses on itself with the resulting explosion enveloping the planet Earth as we know it-- instantaneously converting countless generations of accomplishments back into the basic building blocks of matter from which we were created. And that's a long time. That about wraps things up here. In all seriousness folks, I love you all and wish only the best for you this new year. LIVE IT UP! And if you ever question how to live your life, just remember what everyone tells John Cusack in the movie "Better Off Dead"-- "Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."
So uh, yeah MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Love,
that blonde girl who's last name you cannot pronounce or spell correctly.
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Okay, I lie. That's my first Jeep. Within a month of having my license, I drove it into the back end of an Escalade. Give me a break, I was late for class and no one should be stopped on a highway.
w.
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